Hurley Mens Clothing

Hurley Mens Clothing

My Self Esteem And Self Confidence Is Low After He Cheated

I get a lot of emails from wives who tell me that they are having serious issues with their self esteem and self worth after their husband's affair or infidelity.  This is extremely hurtful on more than one level.  Yes, it hurts you to feel doubtful or badly about yourself, but it's also going to thwart your ability to trust or love again.  Unfortunately, this is true whether you're going to save your marriage or not.  Even if you are going to end the relationship, you can't really move forward in a healthy way with all of this baggage and self doubt weighing you down. So, in the following article, I'll tell you how to begin to rebuild your self worth after his infidelity.

Understanding That This His Decisions Are Not Your Fault: Often women's minds will automatically go to a very dark place.  They will think that if they were prettier, or more alluring, or had more to offer then they would not be where they are right now.  I know that it's far too easy to go to this place, but let's think about it.  If these assumptions were true, then why do men cheat on seemingly beautiful and successful women like Elizabeth Hurley (who is breathtakingly gorgeous) and Halle Berry (who I believe is one of the most beautiful women in the world?)

The answer lies in the fact that the problem is with the men who cheat, not on the women that they cheat on. Most times, it's not that they are looking for something that you don't have.  It's that they are looking for something that they don't have.  In one moment in time, they think that this other woman will make them feel more desirable, or more young, or more capable, or more smart – or more of whatever it is that they think that they are lacking at this time.

This lack in them is not your fault.  Their lack in decent decision making and impulse control is not your fault.  You are still the same capable person that you were before this happened.  Never lose sight of this or allow him or this act to take that away from you.  In order to move on though, however this occurs, you must come to believe that you are not to blame and you must do whatever you need to do to strengthen rather than to weaken yourself.

Working On Your Self Esteem When You Can Think Of Little Else Besides His Infidelity: Often when I tell people that they should make their self worth a priority, they will respond with something like "Ok, I will address that later.  But, right now, I can think of nothing else but the cheating."  I do understand this. I had the same feelings myself.  However, if you skip addressing your self esteem, then you are going to seriously impede the progress of moving on past the affair. 

Because deep down, you are always going to have those doubts that whisper to and plague you as soon as you become still. Your lack of confidence within yourself is going to cause you to suspect him of wrong doing even when he is not giving you a reason to do so, because, quite frankly, it's you that you doubt and fear, not him.  I can remember dwelling on the fact that I could not trust him, but equally as troubling was the fact that I did not trust myself.

So, while it might seem backward and selfish to focus on yourself right now, that's exactly what you need to do. Sure, you will also need to focus on the central issues in your marriage.  But think about this.  You have two people that are full of self doubt who are trying to steer a sinking ship.  How effective do you think that this is going to be?  You are much better off working on yourselves as individuals as well as in terms of a couple.

The good news is that working on yourself is going to pay huge dividends and can potentially turn a very negative thing into a positive one.  I know that it may not feel like this right now.  But, it is quite possible to redefine and to rebuild your marriage so that it is better than before.  You are going to have a much better chance of this happening if you know that you are worth it and that he is quite lucky to have you.  A lack of confidence and nagging doubts will only contribute to the negative cycle of your doubting every thing that he says, even if he is quite sincere, and your second guessing both yourself and him.

Do you really want to allow this to follow you around any more? Of course you don't.  Take whatever steps that you need to in order to improve whatever doubts are following you around. For me, that meant going back to school so that I knew that I could support myself and was not dependent on my husband. I had to know that I was with him for the right reasons. I also addressed my appearance.  I changed my hair, my weight, my teeth and my clothes.  This seemed self centered and silly at the time but it truly did make all of the difference. My husband saw me differently and I did too. This communicated to both of us that I deserved the very best.  And while I had to fake it at first, I did come to genuinely believe this and it made all of the difference.

I know that this self work may seem selfish or difficult, but it can be so worth it and so many levels. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

About the Author

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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